Nano Coffee Energy Tablets Announces Annual "Dead Tired And Hot Wired" 2007 Awards For the Presidential Campaign Candidates!
New York, NY (October 23, 2007) Jan Stuart, founder of Nano Coffee™ Energy Tablets, an American Healthy Energy Company, has announced the first annual 2007 Dead Tired & Hot Wired Awards. This year's awards list is composed of the Presidential candidates that demonstrate an acute alertness, wakefulness and a sound energy policy. And at this point, that includes anything better than Dick Cheney's current policy of giving tax breaks to drivers of solid gold SUV's that run on the blood of anti-war protestors. Hot Wired winners who demonstrate an energetic quality will be given the Golden Wire in recognition for their enthusiasm. Dead Tired winners will be given a supply of Nano Coffee Energy Tablets to keep them awake and alert during the long campaign ahead. Here's how the candidates stack up:
Awards for the Hot Wired are topped by Dr. Ron "Up and at them" Paul, who is a Libertarian Republican. He wants to engage in an energy policy the Founders would've approved, so he hopes to replace the Electric Grid of the Eastern Seaboard with hundreds of cotton gins.
Next is former senator-shot-out-of-a-cannon, Mike Gravel, who wants to reduce the world's energy dependence on carbon. This includes reducing the amount of diamond bling on Lil John sixty percent by 2010.
Always awake, Governor Bill Richardson wants to reduce our dependence on foreign oil by 50% by 2020. This involves creating a new hybrid car that coincidentally will help with the immigration issue, since it is partially fueled by Mexican immigrants on a treadmill.
Way too healthy, Dennis Kucinich wants the country to be using sustainable energy sources by 2010, inspiring the nation as President Kennedy once did. Unfortunately, NASA scientist still maintains that Kucinich's Patchouli-Fueled Microbus will burn up on reentry.
In the "marginally Hot Wired" category are candidates that demonstrate that they are at least partially awake.
Up first is Senator Barack "Eyes half open" Obama, who has called for fuel-efficient cars and an end from our oil addiction. Of course, getting the U.S. off oil while we're fighting a war in the Persian Gulf is like trying to walk Britney Spears past her coke dealer with two grand stuffed in her purse.
The always young, John Edwards has called for people to give up their SUV's. This actually isn't part of his energy plan, he's just tired of the kids from the high school tearing donuts in his front lawn.
Next are the "marginally Dead Tired". These are candidates that are beginning to fall asleep or are maybe just nodding off.
The poster boy for nodding off is Senator John McCain. As part of his energy plan the senator said he would reinvest oil profits in nuclear power, adding that his campaign contribution from C. Montgomery Burns in no way effected that excellent policy.
Sleepy Chris Dodd wants a Carbon Tax, which would tax companies that put carbon in the air, which is really bad news for the Perpetual Burning Barbecue Company.
Finally there is the Dead Tired candidates. These candidates desperately need Nano Coffee Energy to wake them up.
Republican Candidate Duncan "I'm so sleepy" Hunter says he has an energy plan, but he also voted "no" on the Kyoto Protocol that would've reduced greenhouse gases. That's sort of like saying, "I've got a plan to get my wife pregnant, let me start by never having sex with her."
Yawning Senator Sam Brownback became the first candidate to drop out. He accepts that the atmosphere is warming and carbon dioxide is building up in the atmosphere, but isn't convinced of the relationship between warming and human activity. Brownback then chased a roadrunner off a cliff, but didn't fall until he looked down.
On the Democrat side you have the front runner, Hillary "Just five more minutes" Clinton. Clinton's energy plan is a mix of tax incentives, conservation and a development of alternative energy, like harnessing the awesome power of her husband's sex drive.
Nodding off Tom Tancredo's policies are so divisive most of his energy plan involves opening a nuclear waste facility in Mecca. Like most Republicans, his policies involve finding countries that have oil, shaking hands with their leaders and then bombing the shit out of them.
Tired Senator Joe Biden has an energy plan that hinges on eliminating our dependence on foreign oil. That's why he wants to break up Iraq into Kurdistan, Sunnistan and the fifty-first state, New Bidenware.
According to Mike "Should be Asleep" Huckabee's energy plan, America will achieve energy independence by the end of his second term. His plan is so presumptuous, it also outlines how he can beat the Yankees in game six if he's allowed to pitch.
Napping Mormon Mitt Romney's energy plan endorses a process of liquefying coal that was originally developed by Hitler and the Nazis. Fortunately, the only other thing Romney is borrowing from the Nazis is the title of his energy plan, Mitt Kamph.
And speaking of fascists, Rudy "Are my eyes open?" Giuliani wants to develop energy-independent technology, but not wind power. I don't know why he needs a monopoly on wind. He's seemed to have made the switch from blowing hot air to spewing bullshit pretty effectively.
Comatose Fred Thompson wants America to conduct research and development into technologies that place emphasis on conservation and efficiency. By targeting the people who own the oil efficiently, we can conserve the amount of bombs we drop on them.